Some things can never be forgiven
by luv2watchtv
Summary: Some things can not always be forgiven. But if so why does this feel so wrong? Why do I feel my chest aching? Why am I on the verge of tears? Why am I breaking?


**A/N… so yeah… hope you like this! **

**Some things can never be forgiven…**

**Summary**

**Some things can not always be forgiven. But if so why does this feel so wrong? Why do I feel my chest aching? Why am I on the verge of tears? Why am I breaking?**

**Disclaimer: Yeah I don't own HSM. I wish I did… but I don't!**

Some things can never be forgiven… right?

Then why does this feel so wrong? Why do I feel my chest aching? Why am I on the verge of tears? Why am I breaking?

How could he? Why did he? Did I not a mean a thing to him?

I loved him. I still do. I guess this is why it hurts so much. To just walk in there and see him. And now… this hurts the most. Cause I'm confronted with his eyes

"_It meant nothing babe… nothing!"_

He says it was nothing. But it never is nothing. Nothing doesn't exist. Because everything is and always will be something. There is never a nothing. Nothing is no meaning. And there is always a meaning. There is always a something. So to say it's nothing. Is to say it's something. And it doesn't make sense. But it's what it is.

And I know that I may be wrong. Hell everyone will say that I am wrong. But I don't care. Because no matter how wrong I am I know that I will always be right. Because when I'm right, my consciousness says I'm right. And when I'm wrong my consciousness says I'm wrong. Even though it may seem wrong to people. I know that in my heart it is right. Even though it hurts like hell. It is something I need to do.

"_Can you forgive me? Please! I need you to forgive me… "_

Some people say that you should always forgive. That you should always forget. But I draw that line there. Because even though I may try to forgive I can never forget – ever! Because to forget is to have that memory erased. And I cannot do that. It's impossible. I should forgive. But then for me to forgive I should forget. And I can't forget. Therefore I can't forgive.

"_I'm sorry"_

There's something else as well. Sorry doesn't cut it! Sorry doesn't change anything. Sorry is just a word. It has no meaning. It's like nothing. Even though the word is commonly used it has no meaning. Because you don't show that you are sorry for something by just uttering the word. If that was the case then everyone could just go around causing hurt to others and then say sorry. But sorry doesn't work. It may on others. But it's something that doesn't work on me. Because sorry is just a word – a word just like hurt and love. It's a word and just that – a word

"_I didn't mean to hurt you…"_

But you did and you have. Hurting someone is always something hard to be forgiven for. Because it will always stick with that person. You may not have meant it… you may not have wanted to – but you did. And it doesn't change a thing. Because of you I am now hurting. Because of you. And you may say you didn't mean for me to be hurt but I am anyway and there isn't anything that you can do about it… not now. It's too late!

It's simple really. How everything ties together. It may seem confusing or harsh. But it's the truth. And that's all I live for. That's all I'll ever ask. I'm not going to say something which I don't mean because then I would just be betraying my own heart… my own feelings! And even though my decisions may hurt not only me but others as well it is something which has to be done. Because if it isn't I would not and could not be happy.

Even though now I am pretty far from happy. The tears are trickling silently down my face. And there's nothing I can do to stop them. No sound is accompanying them. It's just silent… silent tears. Cold tears. Because right now that is how I feel. Numb! Numb with hurt and cold and pain…

The images

The words

The sounds

The laughing

The smiling

The shattering

Everything just plays back…

"_Gabi!! There you are! Let's catch the guys at the gym… come on. I want to meet Chad!"_

"_Why? Didn't you two already make out like less than an hour ago…?"_

"_Gabi! A relationship is not just based on making out you know…"_

"_I know… it's just what your seems to be based on!" I replied laughing and running away. I could hear the distant pound of feet as Taylor ran, she too laughing, after me trying to catch me._

"_Come back here! Don't think you can get away with that!"_

"_I already did!" I called back still running and laughing. I was heading to the gym. We wanted to surprise our boyfriends and decided to stop by their extra free period practice when it was just them two with the promise of good food! Falling against the door and catching my breath after all the running and laughing I push down on the handle of the door and swung the door open…_

The laughing

The smiling

The happiness

The friendships

The relationships

The radiant beams

Everything

_My eyes widened in shock. Was that? Oh my god! Oh my God! UGH! _

_I was crying before I knew what was happening. All I felt were the few cold drops of water running harshly down my face. And it was as if I was in a dream - A bad dream. It was like a nightmare. I started to yell out. What I don't know. But all I knew was that I was screaming something… something. Anything… Just a piercing wail shattering through me. Taylor having heard my strangled voice ran faster towards me and when she saw the sight before me she too let her mouth drop… however for her no sound came out._

_Pinned up against the wall were two very shocked people. One ashamed. One proud. One guilty. One content. Both caught. _

"_Troy…" I let out a strangled whisper. My heart was threatening to break into a million fragile shatters any second. My blood was soaring through my veins, pumping recklessly through me, drowning out other noises. All I could hear was this scarily pounding noise rushing to my ears as I faced the heart ache. _

_His eyes looked up fearfully. Emotion was evident there – but I could also see lust. And that lust wasn't directed at me – oh hell no! That wasn't lust for me! That was lust for the bitch standing in his arms right now. I looked into his eyes even though I couldn't stand the blueness of them… They were like two ocean pools drawing you in to the beauty then gabbing hold of you in the deep current and swirling you in unguarded. Drowning you. Killing you slowly but surely. Making sure that with every last breathe of air you managed to haggardly grasp, your heart would slow down on you just that tiny bit more. That your heart would collapse on you until you could feel it cracking within you and feel the pieces explode roughly and carelessly, shuddering through you. _

_His eyes continued to stare through mine… into mine. I couldn't stand the way they would just bore into me. How at one moment I thought that they were the most beautiful thing in the world… How at so many times I would find myself looking in those eyes and seeing love in them. Seeing sadness, happiness, joyfulness. Those were two expressive eyes. I would be able to clearly tell what emotion he was feeling through his eyes. Even if he himself refused to let me see how he was truly feeling I could tell through his emotive eyes. I could weather or not he was ecstatic. Weather he was disappointed or angry. I could feel and see every emotion through his eyes. And I would find myself drawn to them. I would find myself needing to look into them. _

_And now I was just wanting – no needing to get away from them!_

_Because to see them staring at me, burning through me, just made me think of all the times when I would joyfully look into those eyes – without a care in the world. But now, looking in those eyes all I could think of was how just moments ago they were filled with lust. Lust for someone else. Someone who was not me and that hurt._

_So I shakily turned and I ran. I ran and I ran. I'd just gotten my breath back after my friendly run away from Taylor. But now… now I was running away from something else. Something with more pain and more hurt. Something which I couldn't get away from. Something which was unwillingly pulling me towards it – sucking me in! It had me trapped and there was nothing I could do about it…_

But running is an easy thing to do. You can run and run and run. But it's when you get somewhere that it turns out to be the problem. Because when your running your not confronted with any thing. But when you stop you're confronted with reality. You have to face reality. And that's the hard part. Because if your not ready then how can you possibly be expected to face up to real life. How?

I probably am not making any sense any more. And you're probably thinking what the hell is she on about? But it's pretty simple – or at least it is to me!

Running is a simple thing. You just pick up your feet and move. You get out of breath but you still move. You don't stop. But eventually you have to. And it's stopping that hurts the most. Because that's when you can't run no longer. That's when you have to let your mind think. That's when you can't stop the thoughts – the pain. You can't block it out because it's there and it's following you. And no matter how much you try and run away from it the baggage would always be there following you around. It would always be there behind you and you would eventually have to confront it whether you want to or not…

But in the meantime you could sit and think about everything. Think about the times where you knew that you loved him more than anything and that the emotion was returned – that he loved you more than anything…

_Troy looked up at me from his current position. I burst out into more peals of laughter as I saw his fake 'angry' face. We had been messing around and he had playfully pushed me into the pool. So of course me being me decided to gain some sweet revenge and I snuck up on him and pushed him in as well. And there he was – his hair gleaming from the water as it clung matted to his forehead. His blue eyes were sparkling as bright and as beautifully as the pool in which he had been unfortunate to fall into. His t-shirt clinging to his chest so that I could make out the outline of his abs. I smiled to myself as I thought that I would be the only one who would get the privilege to run my fingers lightly, teasingly, down them. My eyes trailed up to meet his face and it was then that I saw it. That smirk which had become all too familiar. Before I knew it his strong arms which are perfect for holding me, shot up and grabbed me before pulling me, again, into the pool._

"_Troy!" I screeched hysterically laughing_

_I could hear his deep chuckle next to me as he kept his arms around me, pressing me up against his chest. I could feel his chest vibrating with laughter against my own. I could feel his hands burning across the exposed skin of my lower back – in a teasing contrast against the cold water of the pool._

"_Hey you deserved it!"_

"_You're the one who started it! You pushed me in first…" I moaned playfully as I circled my arms around his neck possessively. _

_He smirked, before leaning down quickly to capture my lips in a short and sweet kiss. Pulling away I saw a look in his eyes. One that I hadn't seen before…_

"_I love you…"_

_Three words. They were just three words but yet they meant so much to me. Those three words were the words which caused my heart to soar of affection. Those three words caused the biggest smile on my face._

_I noticed that he had loosened his grip on me. I saw that his face was now no longer smiling happily like it was a few moments ago – instead he seemed to have that scared look on his face which I never thought that I would ever see on him._

"_I'm sorry… I shouldn't have said that. I understand if you don't…"_

_I cut of his words by pressing my mouth to his. I could feel him smile against my lips. His tongue trailed against my bottom lip and I opened my mouth letting him in. Yes it was a passionate kiss – but it was one filled with love. Because this was the first moment that he told me he loved me in that cute and adorable way of his. And it was this moment that I would remember. It was this moment that I would cherish. As we eventually pulled away, I looked up at him shyly_

"_I love you too…"_

He was there. I could sense it. I can sense it. His presence is lingering dangerously over me and there's nothing I can do about it. He's speaking but I'm not listening. Why should I listen? He's just adding more thoughts to confuse my already muddled mind. I need to deal with these thoughts in my head right now before I can allow any of his biased ones to be able to enter my mind. Because these thoughts are overwhelming! The thoughts are overpowering me and forcing me into a corner. I'm trapped in my mind as I hear numerous noises and sounds and words replay themselves over and over in my mind. I'm confronted with the images burning themselves into my retina so that I would never and could never forget. It's something which I want to forget. But I can't. It won't let me. I can't erase it from my mind and it's hurting me even more. I can do nothing but imagine the touches and caresses which my mind can not see. I'm forced to imagine what my eyes couldn't take in… what my eyes _wouldn't _take in.

His smell is overpowering me now. My breathing becomes short as I can no longer smell the fresh smell of air. Instead my sense is only picking up the smell which I once would adore, however now I resent. The smell which used to bring comfort to me; the smell which used to fill my heart with love! The smell which would bring out a beaming smile onto my face for I knew that he was close by; the smell which used to remind me each and every day that no matter what he was there for me and would protect me. Now the power of it just makes me want to curl into a small ball and lock myself away from the world. The scent of him is gripping me helplessly and not relenting. It's got a firm hold on me and drawing me closer. Drawing me in – I want to smell it. Because it reminds me of a time where I could enjoy the sweet scent. But now – now I am forced to hate it. But I can't!

Why should I honestly have anything to do with him? Why should I let myself hear his frantic pleas? Why should I let myself be touched delicately by his calloused hands – rough from the hours of practicing basketball? Why should I let his lips trace slowly and pleadingly over mine – begging me to let him in… to forgive him? Why? Why? Why?

It's a simple one word question. Yet I find it a question impossible to answer. Why should I let him be forgiven? Why should I let him have everything so easy? Is he not the one who had his tongue down a blondes throat. Is he not the one who had his hands – the same hands which are touching my skin delicately – resting on the bare and overly tanned skin of a cheerleader? Is he not the one who let the sluts hands slip up his t-shirt - touching skin which only I was meant to touch?

He was the one who had done all that and now he's the one causing me all this pain and grief! He's the one hurting me! He's the one who's pierced my heart and ripped it out! He's the one who's responsible for the tears running frantically down my face in anguish. He's the one who could have instead been making me laugh. But no – he's the one who's doing all this!

And he's the one who cannot be forgiven!

Oh yes I love him! I sure as hell love him! And that's why it's hurting! That's why it's hurting even more. Because I love him so much but he just took my love away and threw it back in my face. Because my hearts aching over the fact that from this moment he will never be mine… he's no longer mine

"I can't Troy! I can't forgive you…"

I can see the few drops of tears drip hesitantly from his eyes. His eyes – they're staring at me… begging me for forgiveness. The blue has darkened in pain and want. He wants to be forgiven. He wants me back…

"You can't Troy… you can't have me back"

His hands are rubbing my bare arms. He's trying to reason with me… but I won't give in

"It's over Troy! It's over between us…"

I stop his arms. I reach my shaking hands around my neck and unclasp the necklace he gave me as a present to show his love for me. Enclosing the piece of jewellery in my hand, I reach for his hand and place mine in it. His palm opens up as mine does. And I drop the silver necklace with its T shining hesitantly in the light, into his hand. And I watch as his eyes cloud over at feeling the familiar piece of jewellery in the palm of his hand. At seeing it missing from where it belongs around my neck. Where it used to belong around my neck.

I take a glance at him, drinking him in. Because I know that it would be the last time I would be allowed to. Because after this moment he would no longer be mine to look at. Because after this moment I cannot and will not let myself look at him the way I am looking now for fear of cracking. For fear of just saying 'What the hell' and running into his arms.

So I sit there, staring at him. And he's staring back. Because he knows the same. He knows that it is now the end and this is the last time. It sounds so terrifyingly near but it is now the end. And even though I don't want it to be the end it is.

I see his eyes moving across my body as he takes me in. And I do the same. Starting from the way his sandy blonde hair falls into his eyes. I always loved the way he would peer at me from behind that fringe and I would reach out subconsciously and brush the few hairs away from his eyes so that I could see them better. His eyes were still that shockingly sparkling blue. Although at this moment the blue had lost its sparkle and instead seemed awfully drained. The glint had gone and instead sadness and remorse had replaced it. His eyes however, were glazed in tears that he refused to let fall. There was a sparkle but this time it wasn't shining in happiness or joy. No, this time it was shining in sadness and regret – two emotions that I was positive were showing through my own eyes. I looked again at how his tanned face – one which used to always make me smile – now looked broken. Yet I could still make out the boyish features, which looking at closely, helped me understand why he was deemed the 'heartthrob' of East High. For there was his defined jaw; cute smile; sparkling white teeth and tanned face gazing back at me. I let my eyes wander to his chest. It was strong and firm and I loved the way it felt when he pressed himself to me. That warm and fuzzy feeling I would get. But now looking at his chest made me feel sick. Because I know that just a few moments ago, it was that chest that some slutty cheerleader ran her fingers up and down, tantalising his bare skin. And that thought made that horrible bile taste make its way up my throat. I mentally shook my head as I carried on gazing at him. This was my last opportunity to do so and I was not going to waste it by thinking of the bad memories. I looked at his arms. They were amazing for making me feel safe. If I was ever crying or felt scared or upset, those arms would make their way around me and instantly comfort me. And now I knew that they would no longer be there. Now I knew that I would have to find some other way to comfort myself.

I force myself to take one more look into his eyes. Oh how I would miss those eyes? Those eyes which could so willingly display every ounce of deep emotion but yet at times keep his feelings hidden within, so that no one could no longer sense what mood he was feeling. Like a mask hiding his true emotions. But now that mask was well and truly off as I saw in his eyes the begging and pleading. It was his eyes which forced that thought back into my head. Should I just let it go? Should I just turn a blind eye to his philandering? Should I just go against whatever morals I had and welcome him back even though he didn't deserve it? Because God only knows that I sure as hell wanted to do just that! That I wanted to just jump in his arms and kiss him senseless now. That I wanted to have his arms wrap around my waist and draw me close to his firm body. That I wanted to have his mouth against mine; his lips against mine; his breath swirling and mixing sweetly with my breath. That I wanted his tongue to run slowly and surely across my lip as he begged me for entrance. That I wanted to have him run his hands up and down my body sending shivers running from the tip of my roots right down my spine to my feet. That I wanted to run my hands through his soft and golden hair feeling it slip quickly through my fingers as the strands got shorter. That I wanted to have him whisper tenderly sweet words of love into my ear and have him smile that special way – the way he only smiles at me. That I wanted to look into his eyes and instead of seeing pain and anguish – emotions reflecting in my own eyes – that I would see love and joy shine brightly, sparkling in the blue oceans he called eyes. That I wanted to look in those eyes and drown in the intensity of the loving gaze.

But that was all impossible. I reminded myself that those memories – those dreams that I wanted to fulfil – could no longer happen. Because he had fulfilled them with someone else. He had kissed someone else. He had let someone else run their hands up against his body. He had run his hands up against someone else's body. He had pressed someone else's body up against him. For those few moments of lust, just cost him his love. And even though he was sorry and loved me, it was as I said before – sorry doesn't mean anything. Sorry is just a word. And with the trust broken how could I ever trust him enough to be comfortable in the relationship.

I stand up even though my legs are begging me not to. Pleading for me to just take a step back and sit down again. Forget everything. But I can't. So I stand even though I don't want to. Because with that stand – in actual fact I'm leaving behind a relationship which I had always thought would last till the end. A relationship that I wasn't prepared or ready to let go off. A relationship that I earned for yet couldn't have. Taking a final glance at his forlorn frame, I can make out the tears softly trailing down his cheeks. The same cheeks which I would love to run my fingers against. However, now, instead of my fingers lovingly caressing his cheek, it was in fact the cold tears. And with tears pouring down my own face I walk away. My tears; however, are filled with hurt and betrayal – as well as a sense of loss. Bowing my head down, I continue to walk at a slow pace. Leaving the love of my life with tears pouring down his own face. Leaving him for ever. And never looking back. Ever. Because as much as I want to I can't regret this. I can't say that I wish I had not done it! Yes, I would rather it not have been this way – but I rather he hadn't cheated on me. And even though it's hurting like hell to do this I know that I would never be the same with him – we would never be the same. Because the trust was broken and I couldn't deal with that. Because of the pain he knowingly inflicted on me. And it is because of his one action I am now walking away. And with each burdened step that I take it just causes the sword in my heart to penetrate further. Causing an even bigger wound.

I block out the sounds of his helpless pleas behind me. With every step that I take his sounds are heard less and less until they are reduced to a faint murmur. I walk straight into the arms of my best friend. Taylor. For she watched the whole thing and is now here to comfort me. As she wraps her arms in an embrace around my sobbing frame I mutter one barely audible sentence. But yet I hear it so loud and so clear. Because it's echoing louder and louder in my head and swirling in and out of my hazy thoughts

"_Some things can never be forgiven…"_

**A/N… so… I know that you might not like it seeing as it's not got a happy ending. **

**However, I hope it's ok! I know that it hasn't got a happy ending… but I just wanted to make a point that not everything has a happy ending**

**So please review and tell me what you thought of it… I know that some of it is a bit blah and doesn't make sense but please review and tell me that… and maybe say something a bit nice about it? **

**Anyway please tell me if you liked it or not... **

**Xxx Nicole xxX**


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